By Tim Luckhurst (THE TIMES, 06/10/06):

An astounding discovery: dolphins are even brighter than we have imagined. Capable of complex cognitive reasoning, these Einsteins of the ocean organise themselves in sophisticated social groups and harbour cultural knowledge about their environment. Some even use tools, sticking sponges on their noses to avoid being pricked by sea urchins. They may even have the ability to communicate information, a talent that elevates them above many politicians.

It is not yet clear whether they have a formal language, but apparently that is possible too. Or not, if you apply unsentimental logic to the claims of Mark Simmonds, made in his impartial capacity as an officer of the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society. Mr Simmonds has not actually done any original research. His findings come from a review of existing scientific literature and his conclusions constitute a risible display of anthropomorphic myth-making in the service of one of the most sentimental fairytales of today.

Face it. If dolphins possessed a spark of intelligence they would not be facing the plight from which Mr Simmonds and I wish to save them. As agile beasts they would escape easily from the fishing nets in which they die. If that proved impossible, the clever things would call a friend and tell him to bring a cutting tool. But they do not. Dolphins caught in nets simply enter a state of panic known as capture myopathy and expire. They lack even the basic sense to avoid ships’ propellers.

I loved Flipper and the dolphin gags in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but I also believe that civilisation depends on respect for scientific method. Apply it and fantasies about dolphins fail. All stem from the observation that they have large brains. Paul Manger, of Witwatersrand University, has shown why. It is not because they are equipped to process ideas; it is just a simple evolutionary response. The large surface area of the warm-blooded creature’s brain helps to cool it to the ambient temperature of the surrounding water. Objective observations put them on an intellectual par with lab rats — slightly slower than a Big Brother contestant.

Of course, this does not justify disliking them. But because they cannot look after themselves they deserve to benefit from the human duty to care for dumb animals, not from abuse of the uniquely human capacity for rational thought.