Dear Leader to dead duck

Comrade Gadhafi: You have my undying support in your struggle with the American devils and their lapdogs. May you live ten thousand years to pay them back for their cowardly hypocrisy. However, it pains me to say this, but if you had followed my example, you would not be in such dire straits.

Objectively speaking, my position is much worse than yours. My country is one of the world's poorest. We have nothing to export except drugs and counterfeit medicines. We have no oil, no resources and not even enough food to feed ourselves.

Nonetheless, our regime has survived for more than 60 years and will continue for decades more. Unlike you, we have stuck to a strategy that ensures survival.

The imperialists call us both crazy men, but there is a difference. They fear my craziness, not yours. This time last year, our glorious North Korean military forces struck like a hammer and sank a warship belonging to the puppet regime below our southern border. What did the imperialist forces do? Nothing. A few months later, we shelled the territory, right in the middle of their war-game practices. What did they do this time? Again, nothing.

You, on the other hand, have not raised a hand against these sniveling hypocrites for many years. You played ball with them, as they like to say. You allowed the yellow wind of capitalism to blow through your country. You invited the giant capitalist bloodsucker BP to siphon off your people's birthright for its own profit - all so fat capitalists can ride around in luxury vehicles.

Oh, what a mistake it was to give away your weapons of mass destruction. Was it not that grinning monkey Tony Blair who persuaded you to do it? No doubt, he assured you would be treated kindly in return. You, a man of honor, were unprepared for such deceit. I, on the other hand, swore that I would turn the city of Seoul into a sea of fire. When I said that, I had their full attention.

Others will learn from your mistakes, I am sure. Our Iranian friends will pursue their nuclear weapons program with renewed zeal. The imperialists attack the weak, never the strong. Remember that, my friend, as the Western dogs rain bombs down on your beloved birthplace like so many raindrops.

You sent your son to a British university to acquaint him with the brain-rotting principles of economics. How much better if he had come to Kim Il-sung University, where he could have studied the magnificent principles of juche, the theory of national independence created by my father.

You should have known better, dear Colonel. To become friendly with the capitalist hyenas is to take the road to destruction. You end up with a bullet in your head like Anwar Sadat or drifting around the world like a wandering ghost formerly known as the Shah of Iran.

Or maybe they will come and snatch you themselves, as they did with the pineapple-faced Manuel Noriega. When there's dirty work to be done on their behalf, they are happy to provide you with the tools. When the threat has gone, they start to shout about human rights, corruption and other nonsense.

As you know, I am allied to China. We are supposed to be "closer than lips and teeth," which is not always a comfortable position. Yet the Chinese understand the basics of strategy. They know they must stand by their allies in times of need. If they were to sell us out, what kind of message would that send to their new friends in Africa and South America?

In order to survive, you must follow my advice. First, fight your enemies to a standstill and keep control of your oil resources. Tear up any contracts you made with the Europeans and Americans and bring in Chinese interests instead. Resume your weapons program. I am at your service and will be happy to help in that regard.

After that, do nothing. They will soon forget about you, as they have almost forgotten about me. Our enemies have the attention spans of children. Their so-called leaders are obsessed with opinion polls and press conferences. Their media need a new sensation every day to satisfy the decadent appetites of their brainwashed masses.

Men like us think in terms of decades, not election cycles. This is why we will triumph, as we have throughout human history, and the hegemony of the Westerners will prove to be a mere blip. Be strong, dear Colonel. All you must do is wait.

This article may not really have been written by the potentate of Pyong-yang. Possibly, Martin Gower, a political consultant living in Asia and author of "Maximum Target" (Noir-East Publishing, 2010), may have had something to do with it.

By Kim Jong-il

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