Well, folks, there’s no avoiding it now: We’re in the thick of the World Cup.
For weeks we’ve been seeing the signs — co-workers stumbling back from two-hour lunches that started at 10:15 a.m., their breath heavy with IPA funk, their necks draped with busy scarves that make an appearance only every four years, like jingoistic cicadas.
You may not know some of your co-workers’ last names, but now you know exactly how Danish they are. The World Cup turns people into missionaries for their own 23andMe results.
I used to let the whole thing annoy me, you know, the way that entitled people get annoyed by good things that simply aren’t designed for them.
I grew up as a fat kid who never set foot on a soccer (football!) field (pitch!), and much like the roller coasters I was too chubby to ride, soccer was stupid, I decided, and the World Cup being the most soccer thing possible was therefore the most stupid thing possible.
Now that I’m older, I’ve discovered that cynicism is a much more stupid game than soccer, and so I’ve found a way to care about the tournament without really ever knowing what’s going on during the game itself. I can’t help you catch World Cup fever, but I can help you do a good enough job faking it that your boss lets you take that two-hour lunch.
The trick to caring about the World Cup without caring about the World Cup is to pick a team and develop an intense emotional bond to that team based on forces that have nothing to do with how well that team performs on the field. Now that there are only 16 teams left in the tournament, whittled down from the original, uh, more than 16, it’s much easier to make that choice. Submitted, for your consideration, are some options I think you’re going to like.
Portugal
Portugal’s best player, and one of the two or three best players on the planet, is a guy named Ronaldo. Named for Ronald Reagan, so his name is essentially Portuguese for Ronald. RONALD! The best player in a sport in 2018 shouldn’t be named Ronald, unless that sport is being your stepdad. Ronaldo is an amazing athlete, though. His thighs look like a relief map of a river delta. If you like stepdads or thighs, Portugal is your team.
Colombia
Did you know Colombia has hippos? Pablo Escobar loved hippos and had some brought to Colombia, and now Colombia has a herd of wild hippos. Think about how cool you’re going to feel dropping that fact during halftime of the Colombia game. “Wow,” people around you will think, “I should buy a garish cocktail for that worldly, knowledgeable person.” If that’s not enough to get you to root for Colombia, I don’t know what to tell you.
England
England’s best player is a man named Harry Kane, and let’s be honest, if you’re reading a guide on how to get into the World Cup, you probably already have an affinity for plucky British heroes named Harry, you nerd. Also, what’s with all the famous British guys named Harry? Prince Harry, Harry Styles, Harry Kane, Harry Potter. I’m not saying something fishy is going on, but I’m not NOT saying it, you feel me? Plus here’s a bonus: If you root for England, you can say words like “bruv” and “mental” and “innit” as in “Bruv, it’s proper mental how many famous British guys named Harry there are, innit?”
Russia
Yeah, right.
Uruguay
The word “Uruguay” is only seven letters long, and three of those letters are the letter U. In an era when everyone is so obsessed with “Me! Me! Me!” isn’t it nice that there’s a country out there that’s thinking about U? And isn’t it extra nice that that country has a soccer team you can root for during the World Cup? Maybe I’m just a simple Hollywood comedy writer, but I think so. I think so.
Mexico
Mexico advanced to the round of 16 partly because the South Korean team knocked out the German team, and I’m not going to go into how that happened — it’s not important. What is important is what happened right after that. Mexican fans stormed the South Korean embassy in Mexico City to celebrate the victory, and that celebration included some of the Mexican fans picking up the Korean consul general, Han Bjoung-yin, carrying him around on their shoulders and chanting (in Spanish) “Korean brother, now you’re Mexican!”
Do you know how much you usually have to do to get carried around like that? You usually have to win a ski race that saves the community center or expose Richard Nixon or something like that. Or … you can be loosely affiliated with Mexico making it into the round of 16.
I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but it seems like an easy decision.
Ian Karmel is a stand-up comedian, co-head writer of The Late Late Show With James Corden and the host of the All Fantasy Everything podcast.