By Joe Joseph (THE TIMES, 03/05/06):
WITH George Clooney now trying to help to sort out the chaos in Darfur, Angelina Jolie assisting Gordon Brown in ending world poverty, Susan Sarandon stepping up on Iraq and Jennifer Lopez being earmarked as a saviour of the troubled Caucasus state of Georgia, it’s finally clear why Hollywood stars are paid so much money. It’s so that they can afford to make just one movie a year and still have enough free time to help to clear up the sort of world crises that George Bush, Tony Blair and Vladimir Putin just don’t seem able to resolve through diplomatic channels (obviously this formula applies to all Hollywood stars, apart from Kevin Costner and Demi Moore, who are paid large sums solely in the hope that they might decide they now have enough money never to make another movie ever again).
Clooney, after reading about the genocide taking place in Darfur in western Sudan, and deciding that this catastrophe just wasn’t getting the sort of headlines it merited, apparently turned to his father and said: “Why don’t we go over there, pop?”; which is exactly what you or I would do if (a) we, too, were cute enough to earn several million dollars by pretending to rob banks with Brad Pitt; and (b) we had a father who wouldn’t respond by saying: “Have you gone mad?”.
On Sunday, fresh from his return from the region, Clooney added his Hollywood cachet to a Save Darfur rally in Washington. “I’m not a legislator, I’m not a politician,” he explained. “I just try to use the credit card you get for being famous in life in instances when I can.”
That same day the actress Susan Sarandon was telling Jonathan Dimbleby on his ITV1 politics show how much stepping up to challenge George Bush over Iraq had cost her, in terms of death threats and the like.
Meanwhile, also hoping that a little Hollywood stardust will help to lift it out of the mire, Georgia has reportedly offered Jennifer Lopez $500,000 to join its independence day celebrations in the capital, Tbilisi, on May 26; oh, and, while she’s in the neighbourhood, to promote its crucial wine exports, which have been stung by what Georgia believes to be a politically charged import ban by Russia, its neighbour and biggest wine customer.
But why should Hollywood stars reap all the kudos of bringing peace to the world? Television draws huge audiences day after day, and TV’s top presenters are experienced in thinking on their feet. So why not, say, send Noel Edmonds to Palestine to try to lure Hamas into a compromise (“There’s $1 million of aid on the table from the US and the EU if you’re willing to enter peace negotiations with Israel: deal or no deal”); or use Jonathan Ross to find out what really makes Condoleezza Rice tick (“Condi, I hear you’re very good on the piano. I would be most happy (smirks and adjusts tie) to let you play my organ. (Turning to audience) Oh, behave! It’s my electronic Yamaha I’m talking about!”); or Richard and Judy (“Hello, Africa. Are you ready to play You Say, We Pay? For each clue you give us that we guess correctly we’ll knock $1 million off your debt repayments. Good luck!”).
Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer could take a break from Location, Location, Location to advise the world’s poorer regions on how to climb up the property ladder (“Looking on the bright side, Chad, you’re getting a lot of square-footage for your dollar in this area. Moving to somewhere more bustling is only a possibility if you’re willing to compromise on space, to put some belongings into storage and move the whole of Chad into a two-bedder in Chelsea”).
This is a brave political initiative that breeds its own success, and the sooner it’s embraced by TV stars as well as Hollywood legends, the sooner peace will reign over the planet.
You see, Hollywood stars are not only talented movie-makers and thoughtful champions of the underdog, they’re also politically shrewd. By visiting Darfur, and co-operating with Gordon Brown on Africa, George Clooney and Angelina Jolie are also sending out a subtle coded message to the key players in other world trouble spots. The idea is to rattle Osama bin Laden into thinking: “Darfur got Clooney, Africa got Jolie, Iraq got Sarandon. All the classy stars are running out. If I don’t stop making a nuisance of myself soon then — who knows? — Kevin Costner, or even Davina McCall, might suddenly pay me a visit!” That would make anyone behave, wouldn’t it?