There's been a lot of debate about whether the Iraq government has fulfilled our list of benchmarks to show if the United States can justify pulling out its forces. Maybe we just need new benchmarks, like these:
Be it resolved that the Iraqi National Assembly, in order to justify the withdrawal of Operation Iraqi Freedom troops, must achieve by no later than Feb. 5, 2008, (henceforth known as “Super Tuesday”) the following benchmarks of progress:
1. Acknowledge receipt of this list.
2. Maintain a calendar and clock device capable of counting days and effectively measuring the passage of time.
3. Meet regularly, using podiums, gavels and mood lighting for the purpose of producing video clips of at least 15 seconds in duration.
4. Train and equip three full Iraqi Army brigades, using trucks, rifles and haircuts for the purpose of producing video clips of at least 15 seconds in duration.
5. Pass a parliamentary resolution authorizing the continued export of Iraqi oil. (Note: Failure to pass a resolution will not imply lack of authorization.)
6. Keep a positive attitude, always do your best and encourage others to do the same. (Note: At completion of this benchmark, Iraq will also become eligible to receive the Cub Scouts Wolf Badge.)
7. Assign a high-salary but low-profile position for Mr. Ahmad Chalabi or his designated relative.
8. Appropriate $10 billion to explore new marketing opportunities for sand. (Note: See Benchmark No. 7.)
9. Read a book and discuss it with friends. Is there one character who is particularly relevant to Iraq? On the reverse side of this list, explain in fewer than 100 words why he/she is important to your nation’s future.
10. Eat right, practice good hygiene and fight obesity. (Note: Don’t snicker. We tried this benchmark ourselves and failed.)
11. Celebrate the anniversary of Saddam Hussein’s overthrow using parades, banners and testimonials for the purpose of producing video clips of at least 15 seconds in duration.
12. Form a committee to start drawing up next year’s list of benchmarks. (Note: If necessary, consider less ambitious demands.)
Hart Seely, the author of Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard.