By Marine Hyde (THE GUARDIAN, 13/05/06):
At last, we know what happens if a church spends the best part of half a century covering up abuse scandals and having supremely distasteful arguments about third-world contraception. It ends up thinking Richie Cunningham is its nemesis.
Fair play to the senior Vatican official who is calling for a boycott on Ron Howard's movie version of The Da Vinci Code, which opens next week. At least he hasn't resorted to citing the Revelation passage "and ye shall know the two-backed beast by its name Joanie and Chachi". (A section of the Bible that was anyway ruled as doctrinally inadmissable at the Diet of Fonz, an extraordinary session believed to have lasted seven years, and involved 382 state banquets.).
Nevertheless, while this column returns to wondering how a benevolent God can permit the continued success of Tom Hanks, the Vatican remains furious about the overriding message of The Da Vinci Code. Anyone who assumed that that message was "this book is crap and I will never get back the 47 minutes of my life I spent reading it" should think again. They refer to the suggestion that Jesus had a thing with Mary Magdalen and the Catholic church covered it up. Because, hey - if we have evidence of anything, it's that these guys would never sweep stuff under the carpet.
And so it is that the battle lines are being drawn in Hollywood v the Catholic church. It's OK to feel icky about rooting for either.
Not since some guy was laughed off the Paramount lot for pitching his "imagine if the Pope was a former Nazi" idea has a movie concept so incensed the church, and as a result, it is marshalling followers. In the old days, Rome had a whole unit dedicated to fighting its corner in the matter of God v Hollywood - the Catholic Bishops' Legion of Decency, which must remain the world's most oxymoronically named organisation, at least until the ribbon is cut on the Michael Jackson Daycare Foundation.
But ever since Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, the church has woken up to the benefits of people power. You can see their point. If that many people worldwide will go and see a movie that not only is in Aramaic, but is one billionth as entertaining even as Lethal Weapon IV, and is made by a man who refuses to condemn his father's denial of the Holocaust, then you have to think it won't be long before they attempt to harness this power and use it to destroy things. You've read the history books.
And so it is, according to the Associated Press, that church groups are sponsoring "an unprecedented avalanche of pre-emptive websites, broadcasts, sermons, books, pamphlets, panel discussions, news conferences and ads" to counter the Da Vinci menace. One Christian organisation is advocating an "othercott", encouraging moviegoers to see DreamWorks' Over the Hedge so that the film does not get first place in the box office on its opening weekend. Because when Spielberg catches a break, we all win. Especially God.
Elsewhere, Jordan's council of churches is fuming that The Da Vinci Code contradicts both the Bible and the Qur'an. The beady-eyed among you may have spotted other, more glaring, differences between these holy books, perhaps reflected in notable current wars, but really - save your ire.
However cross you are with Richie Cunningham for making Catholicism look as though it's jumped the shark, sources in hell assure me his parents Howard and Marion will ground his ass into the middle of next month for it.
Success smells just like shoe leather
All things considered, it has been an interesting week on the Hollywood fame index. Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria assures America's Star magazine that footwear is the most accurate indicator of career achievement.
"I do pinch myself every day when I look at my shoes, and see how many I own," says Eva. "I measure my success by how many pairs of shoes I own."
Also, how few Emmys.
Meanwhile, there is bad news for our beloved Tom Cruise, who has seen his popularity plummet in a specially commissioned Gallup poll in the US.
What's the damage? Well, according to this important psephological study, this time last year Tom's popularity hovered around the 58% mark; this summer it's down to 35%. Strangely, women in particular have been put off by a year of antics including Tom's insistence that post-natal depression could be cured with vitamins and, of course, his profoundly non-creepy assimilation of little Katie Holmes.
And in answer to your other question: yes, they really do have Gallup polls for Tom Cruise's approval rating. They'll get around to asking whether people approve or strongly approve of nuking Tehran any month now.